I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
