I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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