It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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