Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
