I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
