I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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