just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
