I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
