It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
