I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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