she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
