It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
