His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
