Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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