just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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