it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
