The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
