Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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