And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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