At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
