i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
