party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
