I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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