All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
