it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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