Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
