We're facebook friends in real life
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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