R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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