he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
