I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
never play flip cup with pint glasses
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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