if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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