I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
