when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
