I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
