Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
