if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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