party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
