My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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