RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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