I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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