i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
