I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
