i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
