How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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