and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
