This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
