He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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