Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
