I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
