i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
