Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
