i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
